the big 'i' word : infertility

I have some intense feelings and opinions about this topic. I've been surfing the 'net for the past hour or so, and there is a lot out there about infertility treatment, parenting "alternatives", living childless or child-free, both by choice and by circumstance, and most of all, lots of angry words from the rabid childless and the non-compassionate parents. It's a whirlwind.

Until recently, I have remained out of the conversation for several reasons. But I'm not sure I can hold my tongue anymore.

Are any of you dealing with infertility, or have you dealt with it? Is it worth reading yet another opinion on the matter? Of course, this won't completely determine whether or not I write on the subject, just give me some insight. Please email me at hello at aleasa dot net.

For the record, this is where I stand:

1. I have PCOS. (It is estimated that 3 of every 4 women diagnosed with PCOS will require assistance to conceive. It is certainly not a block to fertility, but has a significant negative impact.)

2. I am currently struggling with even liking kids, although I'm almost 100 percent certain it has to do with our difficulty conceiving.

3. I do not feel comfortable with the ethics of most treatments for infertility and will not pursue treatments beyond a certain point. That's not up for debate.

4. I think our society is very family-oriented, and I have experienced increasing feelings of alienation because of it. Many of these feelings are admittedly self-inflicted, but they're there none the less. Have you ever had anyone ask you "when you plan on starting your family"? Because me and the Sarge don't qualify as one, I suppose. Not to mention that the main "event" for most of our married friends (especially in the military) between maybe 25 and 50 is child rearing. Keeps things interesting.

5. We have always wanted to adopt, even before this "adventure". We probably will at some point. But I don't want it to be because we can't conceive. I want it to be because we're being compassionate to God's heart for orphans. That means I have some emotional healing to do ... the Sarge might, too.

6. More and more of our friends are procreating. That makes this a sensitive subject because there are less and less people to whom we can relate. And I have issues with relating to people as it is. So it's a double whammy. I'm internalizing a lot more than I think I should. This probably requires its own post lol.

7. Doesn't seem like we fit into a category for support. We aren't trying every medical option out there.. and will not. We haven't decided to live "childfree". We don't hate kids, but we don't hate having a home without them, either. We aren't really suffering, but there are some really tough days. It's like we're in infertility limbo. I can't find one forum or sounding board in which I'm represented... Apparently no one feels the way I do haha! What's new?

So, anyway... that's us. 

This post will not be open for comments. I don't need any sympathy notes.. but please email me if you'd like to chat.
 

random updates

so, now that things are less hectic and i'm in a better place, i decided i should get back to updating everyone on my random life.

i know.

you're excited.

i'd like to blame the layout that i made: it's cute but uninspiring. so i'll be updating that soon. here are the things you'll want to know to catch up with me and the sarge...

1. we took a three week vacation to arkansas. we drove. gracie came with us... AMAZING.

 she saw her first snow...

2. we adopted a baby.

ok just kidding... that's our nephew. but we did decide we want to adopt, rather than go the fertility route. maybe, just maybe, i'll get one of these:

Source: kinkycurls.tumblr.com via aleasa on Pinterest

3. we are getting a new couch... praise the lord. this is the one i love the most -- it's SO comfy!

4. we had our two year anniversary! yay! the sarge did SUCH a good job. he SURPRISED me and took me to catalina!

Source: my-photo-blog.com via aleasa on Pinterest

5. we decorated our FIRST christmas tree. it's REAL. it's the sarge's first real tree, ever, and my first one in a long time. it smells HEAVENLY in this house!

well, merry christmas. (hopefully) i'll see you WELL before christmas :)

a GIVEAWAY! and miscellany monday

first of all, there is a great giveaway at my pledge sister Amy's blog! go check her out for your chance to win an iTunes gift certificate... because who can't use some free iTunes?

visit her today at all things girl.

second, it's monday. meh.

i actually don't hate mondays.

i've been productive today. i've called a lot of people who needed to be called, completed a few tasks at work that i've been putting off, dropped off some scentsy marketing materials (and potentially got a new customer!) and met our new neighbors. all before 12 pm!


being back to blogging has been great. i haven't been back that long, but i really missed the therapy writing time. i wonder what makes people interesting enough to have hundreds of followers, and if that is motivation enough to write more. i feel like i've let down my 30 followers so i imagine the pressure must be up in the hundreds.

what happened to low millions? have y'all ever heard of that group? i was obsessed with them during the summer of 2007, and i'm pretty sure they will never put out another album. but i can't find their music since i switched computers. i don't know how they got lost in translation. they had a song called low millions, "count me in, i'm one of the low millions". but this was my favorite song.. it got me through the time john and i were not together :)

i got into weird stuff that summer.

anyway.

baby fever. there's a new baby on the way in our family and it's not mine. not helping. i don't really feel comfortable writing much about it, but let's just say there shouldn't be another baby on the way. but.. this particular family member always produces the cutest little kids. but.. why so many?

i love my friends. early on saturday, i talked to my sweet pledge sister.. whom i haven't heard from in forever. it made me miss college. then, i went to carin's house to hang out and we had a great time talking and laughing until our butts went numb for sitting for 6 hours. it didn't seem like a quarter of the day (sounds bad like that, huh!) but it was... it was. we talked about my walking adventure for at least an hour and it continues to crack me up, even today.

real housewives. i love the real housewives shows (most of them) but the oc is my favorite. they're ridiculous. anyway. here's my recap.

first, tamra is my favorite. some people have said she's a mean girl, but that's okay with me. and it seems that she's trying to turn things around this season, which makes me like her even more. i was impressed by the way she handled gretchen's attitude. gretchen, for the record, is my least favorite of all the housewives. she is freaking out of control. i often think of driving up there to find her lol. and she needs to watch how she talks to people she considers her friends. and all i'm saying is this:

 but i am always so fascinated with her hair.. it's always so gorgeous! hahaha anyway, in case you couldn't tell, i thought she was completely rude to come into someone's house on an invitation and act that way. why even show up? ugh.. some people. vicki i have always liked even though she is occasionally out of line, but i do wish she and donn could have worked things out. sixteen years is a long time to call it quits.  and about alexis.. all i can say is go girl with putting your foot down with the kids! but she needs to quit with misquoting the Bible.. that's out of hand haha.. all in all, it was a firey start and that makes me think it will be a firey season. the new "wife" is introduced next week and i'm excited.. i can't tell if i'll like her or not, but posing with that gun in  your fancy backless shirt was not a good start. all i'm saying.

have any of y'all watched miami? what do you think so far? i think they have enough drama to keep me entertained haha.

if you got this far... i'm thinking of hosting a 30 day blog challenge. would you guys be interested enough to participate? it's not as fun a challenge when i do it alone. also check out my cooking blog.. there's a small challenge there in my post from Sunday the 6th.

yeah, mondays aren't so bad.